1. Dress to impress. Wear a tshirt but cut out HUGE armholes. Make sure the tshirt is hanging by a tiny thread at your hip. She can’t wait to see your obliques and pecs. Don’t forget to get a fake, orange tan though. You don’t want to look like a big, white douchebag.
2. Let her know you’re there. Scream really loud when you bench. That way she knows you are a primal man and can stand up to any competition. This bull’s got horns.
3. Carry a gallon jug of water around with you. She wants to know that she won’t ever be thirsty, nor will you be making several trips to the drinking fountain to check out that other girl’s ass bent over doing tricep kickbacks on the bench.
4. Comment on how much weight she is lifting. Ask her if she’s sure she should be doing that much and show you are concerned she will hurt herself. Make sure to give her tips. After all, she can’t do more than you! Women want a man who is thoughtful and caring. Oh, and definitely offer to spot her.
5. Stare, but be direct…but none of this pussy out of the corner of the eye bull shit. Make sure she can you see watching her in every mirror. Stare so much that she keeps looking back at you. If she didn’t hear your primal bellow from the bench, she knows you are there. Then you should wink and go into a shadowboxing routine in the mirror to show her that you can fight and protect her at any given moment….and kick Chick Norris’ ass. Bonus points for adding a “key eye” with each punch.
6. Flex in the mirror and make sure she’s watching. How will she know how totally ripped you are?! You’re the man. You worked hard on those delts, brah.
7. Stay away from the leg press. For one, you’ll scare her off with your disgusting farts that are so thick you can taste them. Too much whey protein, son. Two, you’ll look like a pussy because your toothpick legs are too weak. Make sure you wear longer shorts so she doesn’t see that your biceps are bigger than your thighs. It’s a wonder that you can even stand up.
8. Ladies like a man who has a sense of style. Make sure to wear your Vibram 5 Finger shoes in the gym while lifting. Plus, it shows you are cultured. Flip flops are also a good choice, it shows you are laid back.
9. Wear a beanie too. It’s really cold in the gym, and it makes you look really mysterious and sexy.
10. Do NOT wear deodorant. You want your musk to be strong. It’s all about the pheromones. If she can’t smell you from across the gym, at least she can taste you.
11. Do your bicep curls in the walkway and make sure she can’t get by. Then she might “accidentally” touch you as she tries to get around your massive body- a perfect chance to ask her if she got tickets to the gun show. You are mighty. Grrr baby, grrr.
12. Don’t even THINK about wiping off the equipment. If she can’t deal with your sweat soaking up her tshirt, how will she do when you come upstairs after a date and you make it rain?
13. Shave. Everything.
If none of these tips work, maybe your sorry ass should go feed your ego at cross fit. Now sack up!
And watch out for these guns (video clip) (thanks Josh)
