So many of us want to contribute, help, perform well, show up for the people we love, do meaningful work, and make a positive impact. That desire to add value is beautiful and it’s part of what gives life meaning. But there is another side of mattering that many of us have a much harder time with: feeling valued.
In this Mindfulness in Action episode, I wanted to explore the receiving side of mattering. Mattering includes adding value, but it also includes feeling valued. And for many of us, that second part is uncomfortable.
When someone gives us a compliment, we deflect.
When someone offers help, we say, “No, I’m fine.”
When someone sees us, appreciates us, or encourages us, we may feel awkward, vulnerable, or like we need to move on quickly.
But if we never let recognition, care, or support land, we never really get to feel the evidence that we matter.
A Personal Dedication
This episode is deeply personal for me. I shared a reflection on the loss of Isaac Prilleltensky, whose work on mattering has profoundly shaped my life, my research, and the book I’m writing. Isaac was the human embodiment of mattering. He made people feel seen, valued, encouraged, and needed. Even though he was someone so many people wanted time with, he made time. He answered questions and offered encouragement. He helped me believe that my work mattered when I needed that belief. His legacy is one I want to carry forward.
A Practice for This Week
This week, try noticing moments when you feel valued and then practice letting it land. You do not have to make it dramatic. You do not have to fix anything. Just pause long enough to receive the evidence that you matter.
Because the feeling of mattering can give us hope, energy, connection, and courage.
And we all need more of that.
Listen to this Mindfulness in Action episode of Grow the Good and practice with me.
More Episodes I Think You’ll Love:
– What It Really Means to Matter
– How to Build a Life of Contribution with Tom Rath
– Other Mindfulness in Action episodes
LISTEN TO SONYA
If you want to work towards your goals and more, check out my self-paced online course: Moxy & Grit Mindset Academy.
Episode Transcript
Sonya Looney 0:10
Hey everyone, welcome back to Grow the Good, formerly The Sonia Looney Show. This podcast is your guide to continual personal growth, meaningful connections, and a positive impact on the world. Challenge the notion that you are broken or need fixing. Instead, discover how to cultivate the good that already exists within you and amplify strengths and potential you may not yet realize you have. Welcome back to another Mindfulness in Action podcast. I am in the beautiful forest of Squamish, British Columbia, where I live. Going for a run, I spend kind of my time half and half running and mountain biking, throwing some weightlifting in there. I’m training for a 50k trail running race. The training has not gone well, let me tell you. I broke my ribs back in March. People are like, oh, mountain biking, like, no. How’s it? My son’s six year old son’s birthday party at the Ninja Gym, deciding to play with all the kids, wondering why no other adults were playing. And then, how swinging on the rings, like one-handed rings, this ring to ring, and I was just so thrilled that I could even do it. And on the last ring, I didn’t quite grip it hard enough. My hand let go and my flew through the air, and my entire torso slammed on a metal platform, breaking several ribs and spraining my cartilage. So that was pretty much a bummer. The only thing you know, I’m always looking for what I can do instead of focusing on what I can’t. So the only thing I could do is ride the trainer, being careful not to further injure myself, and I was able to do a bike race, you know, like six weeks later, but varying six levels of success and engagement there, but I had to take eight weeks off for running, I had to quit weightlifting completely after being in like a really good rhythm, you know, doing powerlifting like three times a week, and I honestly still haven’t gotten back to it, which I will, because I’m building a home gym, which are very exciting, and I got sick twice, so I’m kind of rebuilding here, and the race is soon, and I have not had very good success in ultras due to durability problems. Anyway, I digress. That’s what I’m doing right now, but I’m excited. I’m doing a race next weekend, or I guess it will be this weekend when the podcast comes out in a few days. I had to change distances. I was signed up for 42k and I had to drop down to the 22k and then now it’s going to be more of a fun run than a race, because I know if I try to race, I’ll hurt myself, my body’s not ready to hide the engine, but I don’t have the durability, so I can’t hammer myself into the ground, so I’ll just be fun running it. But it’s going to be awesome. It’s in Pemberton, British Columbia. I’ve done a mountain bike racer many times, called the Nimby 50, and I won the Ult, the last one, which meant a lot to me. Like, the race went out of commission, and I kept trying and trying, and just so gorgeous there. So I’m just really looking forward to being a part of the going on the trails, being a part of nature, just focusing. I love the intensity and the focus of a race and being around people. I just, I miss racing, don’t race as much as I used to, for a number of reasons. That’s partially why I’m doing running racing, because there’s not that many mountain bike races, you know, endurance cross-country mountain bike races anywhere near where I live that I can do, so I’m substituting with running races here and there, not as fun as mountain biking, but fun challenge is a different, different piece to running than there is in biking, so I digress. So, so today’s mindfulness in action is really personal. If you listen to last week’s episode, it was about mattering. I highly encourage you to go listen to it. I’m writing a book about the topic. It was the biggest thing that I took away from my master’s in applied positive psychology in 2024 that I did at Penn. It changed my life, changed my perspective. It completely changed my course of work.
Sonya Looney 4:18
I’m so excited, and all of that is attributed to both the program I did, because they brought in the guest lecturers, but I remember sitting in, we had like in-person lectures, and then we had hybrid like online lectures, and this was an online lecture, I was in California because we would create these pods like some of the students we travel to be together for the online ones, and I was sitting at this conference table with a bunch of my friends, and this man comes on with a heavy Argentinian accent with a very strong rolling of his arms. Yes, this man was vibrant and amazing, and he talked about this thing called mattering, and this man’s name was Isaac Krillatinsky. It’s kind of hard for me to talk about it. I felt emotional, so you just have to bear with me. Isaac passed away, I last month, and his wife passed away four days later. It gripped our community. Still, is it’s just horrible. This man has made such an impact in my life, like maybe more than anybody by his presence, his humor, and I never got to even be in the same room in person, but just I’ve had multiple conversations with him. He taught me so much, as everything that everybody said about him, who’s, you know, been working with him for years. Isaac was the human embodiment of mattering, of adding value and feeling valued to yourself in your close relationships, in your work, and in the world. He made every single person feel seen and valued and needed and invested in, and he was highly, you know, highly sought after like leader, so so many people wanted his time, wanted to talk to him, and he gave every single person the time of day, and learning from him was such a gift. You really stopped me in my tracks, and I have been consumed in a good way by his work. I’ve read everything I could find from him, and when I was working on my capstone for my master’s degree, I had so many questions. I’m a very curious person, lots of intellectual curiosity, to the point where it could be overwhelming both to my own mind and to others, and he would always answer my emails, which always surprised me, because I thought someone, someone like him answering my emails, and that really made me feel valued, and that allowed me to add value through my work, because it inspired me, and motivated me, and helped me, and then when I was writing my book proposal last year, I have to, so hard, I want to tell you everything, but I have to hold some of it back, and I was writing my book proposal, I sent it to him, I sent him my sample chapter, and he was so encouraging, like I have imposter syndrome, of course. Like, who might be writing this book, and who am I to be talking about these things? And he was just so affirming and encouraging, and told me I had to do it, and that no one’s going to write about it in the way that I am, because we’re all different people with different life experiences. And then he wrote me no endorsement for the book, and he cheered me on to keep going, whereas I was emailing other people. No, I wanted to, like, learn as much as I could. Lots of other people, and most people don’t respond, and he would always respond and provide value and just help me feel seen, and why that was so important in that moment was that, as I talked about in my last podcast, in the cycling world, I felt so unseen and unvalued and unworthy, people just would never respond to me, so to have someone like that believe in me, my God, that just touches meant everything. I’m so sad that he’s gone. Can’t believe it. The world needs people like him, so now I feel even more inspired to carry the torch to be like him to keep this going in the world. So there’s my personal story and dedication to Isaac, one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, and we can all like legacy is strong, right?
Sonya Looney 9:28
We can, we can keep things going, and that’s where I feel even more passionate and empowered, and have even more purpose behind my work, because I know Isaac would have wanted me to, so I’m doing it, and that’s helping me have more courage. Okay, so mindfulness in action. Here we are, back, back in the driver’s seat. I just, it was just really important for me to share that in the world. I’m in the forest, which is my spiritual place, so it. Just important for me to share that here. All right, now I’m going to try not to fall on my face, because this is very technical downhill. Okay, so here we go. Today’s mindfulness in action is going to be about recalling times where you experience matterings, because it’s like looking for the like when you’re looking for a car, and you see you’re like reading everything about the car. Now all of a sudden you see that car everywhere on the road. What we look for, what we focus on, we see. So, for focusing on all the ways where we don’t feel like we matter, ways that we have to prove we matter, that we only matter if we are winning or doing super well, or we feel like there’s anti-mattering, or we feel invisible. Know how hard, matter how hard we work, nothing, nothing makes a difference. You have those experiences. I honor those. I’ve been there, and in some ways I’m still there, but being able to see the ways that you do matter around you can start help being to push away that black fog, and then once you get a taste of that, might give you the courage to make the moves that need to be made, if you’re lucky, if you are in a place where you can do that to seek out more of an environment where you can feel valued and add value, today’s mindfulness practice is going to be an insight and reflection style practice to help you see where you feel valued, who is the one doing that, and ways that you are adding value, but also that help you feel valued. So, context, real quick, I think that so many of us are trying so hard to add value, we are adding value to ourselves, which is good, through doing work that we love, through being able to make choices on our own of where we want to spend our time, of building our competence, we’re adding value to ourselves through self efficacy, because all of those things help us believe in our ability to do more. If you’re an athlete, you’ve experienced this firsthand. If I do a race and I complete it, I feel more capable to do something else, to do something bigger. That’s easy. We also are motivated to add value to others to make a difference, many of us will argue that’s why we’re here, we’re adding value, and that’s amazing, that’s half the mattering, which is adding value. The challenge is many of us do not feel valued. Many of us don’t feel that we either or both to ourselves. We don’t have self acceptance and self compassion because our standards are so high. We either don’t feel valued to ourselves because self-compassion and self-acceptance are impossible, because our standards are so high, and as the research shows, perfectionism, having exceedingly high standards, either that you set or that you feel like you have to meet that society or another person has set, has been on the rise with a steep curve since 1989 standards are high, so, and we’ve been told that we’re not enough in our culture. Everything is around optimization to be better, to get better, to look better, everything. So, how can you feel value to yourself when everything is set up to make you feel like you’re not so that you will buy more stuff or do more things or work harder. We also struggle to feel, feel valued by other people because many reasons. The one that really stands out to me, I’ll ask you a question. When was the last time you accepted a compliment from somebody, or somebody told you you did a great job, or you looked great, or something, and then you deflected. We all do this.
Sonya Looney 14:30
It is so uncomfortable to just say thank you, but when you do not let the compliment, the recognition someone is giving you, you don’t let it land. You never feel valued. You can’t allow yourself to feel valued. Another way we don’t allow ourselves to feel valued is how often do you accept help from people when they offer it, and even worse, when was the last time you asked for help? Okay, so we need to allow ourselves to feel. Value through letting other people help us and recognize us, and we need to allow ourselves to feel valued by seeing that we matter beyond our achievements through our contributions, and this is what my research showed in my master’s, is that when perfectionists looked at their accomplishments, not in terms of how well they did, in terms of outcomes, but in terms of contribution and impact beyond, they felt like they mattered more, not completely. It had moved the needle for them, though, because they felt valued. So, just chew on that. And now, here we go, we’re going to dive right into some reflection and insight to help you see evidence of your significance, and maybe also help you create more of it. So let all my blabbering settle in. I don’t know if you can hear my footfalls, but if you’re moving, move, and know you’re moving. Get into the body, maybe there’s a swaying if you’re walking or running, maybe there’s a feeling of flow that’s so hard. Pick one body part, I’ll pick my hand. I’m noticing my left hand. How it swings back and forth the moment my hand moves forward, the moment feels back exactly where in my hand I feel it as it’s starting to move, getting into the body. Settle there for a few moments, we’re going to focus on feelings of feeling valued today. In your mind’s eye, pick up one person who made you feel seen in the last week, or if that’s too hard, last month or year, one person who saw you for who you were, who believed in you, who encouraged you,
Speaker 1 17:10
who helped you. Think of that person.
Sonya Looney 17:19
What did they do to make you feel valued, to make you feel seen and appreciated. What did they do now? Instead of just thinking it, try to feel it in your body. Recall that moment, where were you? How did their face look like, or what did the room look like from a fly on the wall? If you’re at your computer, you know, reading an email or something, where the email is the thing that helped you. What did that look like? Now, bring the attention inward, not from your brain, but into your body. Where, where did you feel that? Try to feel it. I’ll be quiet for a minute to try to connect with that. Where did you feel it?
Speaker 1 18:19
What happened when you felt it for me,
Sonya Looney 18:26
I’ll use Isaac. That I talked about this was a few months ago. He emailed me, commenting on one of my ideas in my book, about how it was something he hadn’t thought about before, that I should move forward with it. I felt a bubbling feeling, like fizz my chest and excitement. I felt light. I felt like I could jump up and down, because I had energy. I felt lighter. I felt relieved.
Speaker 1 19:05
Felt like I could breathe just a little bit easier, and I felt warmth because I wasn’t alone.
Sonya Looney 19:17
The more you can notice the feelings of feeling valued, the more you’ll see that they are there, but we’re in such a hurry to move on with our work, or to deflect that we don’t let it land. Also, sometimes if maybe the feeling valued piece someone offered you help, I’ll give you another example. I made a new friend named Teresa, and I had to like pick up a rental car, and I was going to ride my bike there, and it was going to be right after our coffee, and there’s all these logistics, and because I was meeting her for coffee, and I was like trying to make the logistics work and telling. Her all about it, and this, I didn’t ask, I could have just asked her to drive me to the rental car place instead of me figuring out how am I get gonna get to point a to point b on my bike in this amount of time, and blah blah blah, and she’s like, Sonia, why don’t you just let me drive you, and I fought inside my head so hard to say no, because that’s what I would have always done, no, I can do it myself, I’m independent. I don’t want to bother anybody. She offered, and I said yes, even though I felt so uncomfortable, and even though in the moment it felt hard, when I reflected on it later, it felt good. She helped me feel valued, that I am worth it, that I’m worthy in the relationship, and by doing that I allowed her to add value to the relationship, and that also helped her feel valued, so you can see how it’s all related. So, two things: one, try to notice this week moving forward, moments where you feel valued, it could be something so tiny for me. I feel value when I’m walking down the street, and somebody makes eye contact with me, and say hello. I feel a buoyancy from that, from that connection. You can feel the energy that is a feeling of feeling value, because you’ve been acknowledged, and the other person too, or somebody you help somebody, what that feels like, because that allows you to feel value too. So just start getting attuned to that feeling, because all of us are working hard to add value. Adding value allows us to feel value, but only if you will let it in. And part of letting it in is accepting that sometimes it’s obvious, like the feeling I described, sitting at the computer. Other times it is very hard, because you feel guilty, you feel uncomfortable, you feel vulnerable letting people help you, or saying thank you, and believing them whenever they give you a compliment. Think I’m gonna leave it there for today, please, please practice this. It makes such a difference from smiling, because I know how important this is, and that feeling is feeling like you matter. And once you have more of that feeling, you feel more hopeful, you get more energy, you feel more connected, and it helps you make different choices, as the map program director, Leona Leona Brandwin, would say, make joyful choices. Have a great day. We’ll see you right back here next week.