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Over the weekend at Sea Otter, I raced both XC races. I typically do not race the XC, but I wanted to do them for training and to be a part of the action.  XC efforts are my weakness because I never train them, and I toed the line knowing that I would be exposed as not having high end fitness. I knew that I wouldn’t have good “race results” and was okay with it.   It was easy to sign up and say “it’s just for training.”  Then the gun went off and things changed.

Photo: Kenny Wehn

It was hard. It was demoralizing to get dropped.  In the middle of the events, it was hard to find motivation to push super hard for 20th place.  I continually had to return to my reason for signing up.  I continually had to fix my bad attitude.  It was hard to own it that I wasn’t good enough.  It was hard to accept that I haven’t done the work to excel in XC. I think I was hoping I would just magically be up there. It shook my confidence.  And even now, I am finding my motivation is super low and I feel like giving up.  (don’t worry, I won’t!)

Photo: Devon Balet

We all live with the self-doubt of “I’ll never be good enough.” The insecurities that come along with being in a sport, putting yourself out there, and having expectations- both internal and external can be crushing.  I feel like I am being dramatic because I don’t even race XC events and it was only for training, but it took an emotional toll on me that I wasn’t expecting.  I’m also positive that part of this semi-depressive unmotivated state is from the post-race let down coming off of Cape Epic.

I’m not looking for sympathy, but I wanted to share that it’s not easy to be humbled, but it happens to the best of us. When this happens to you, you’re not alone.  Everyone has feelings of wanting to quit when things don’t go well, and motivation can ebb and flow.  I gave myself a few days to be grumpy about it, but today is a new day.  I’m getting back on my bike because I love to ride.  I’m not giving up. I’m hoping I can find the hunger to push and improve and also focus on my A goals and A races, and try to let poor results at training races go.  It takes courage to show up when you know you won’t be good enough.  And it takes resilience to keep going.

Photo: Kenny Wehn

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